Blessed

“Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting.” - Unknown

There are times that I feel so incredibly selfish for not just being in Spain, but LIVING in Spain and getting to experience the opportunities that have been presented before me. I have meant many sleepless hours, especially in the first few days here when I was in Madrid, pondering why I have been selected to partake in this opportunity versus the hundreds upon thousands of others that applied for this grant. I’m positive that they are just as qualified, if not more qualified than I am, and would relish this opportunity and love it just as much, if not more. 

So why me?

To be honest, I will never know for sure. Maybe I will never understand the reasons why I am here and am completely floored and honored that I was selected. I am so humbled by this opportunity and feel so undeserving. I cannot put into words or even come close to expressing the unending gratitude that I have for all of my mentors, friends, family, and supporters that made all of this possible. I am truly and unequivocally humbled.  

I don’t understand why, but it has never been easy for me to accept compliments or that I am good at something. In fact, I was talking to my friend Abhishek in Pittsburgh earlier today and he put it best: “Fish, you SUCK at taking compliments.” Please understand it is not that I don’t appreciate the sentiments; it is that I don’t see them in myself. And, thankfully, as I’m living here and starting to gain more confidence in myself, I am starting to see the talents with which I have been blessed. It is a trying process and I will always remain humble, but it’s about time I started accepting myself for who I am.

So maybe that’s why I am here. Maybe this was supposed to be more self-exploratory than academic. Maybe I needed to be thrown completely out of my comfort zone in order to prove to myself that I can survive. Or maybe, for what feels like the first time ever, I’ve started actually living my life as it was meant to be. I don’t know and this early blog post perhaps isn’t the time to have all of the answers...and for once, I am content not having an immediate answer. 

The point of this blog is based on the title and comes truly and completely out of my humility. I am very blessed and have been blessed in infinite and what feels like undeserving ways throughout my life. Part of what opened my eyes to how blessed I truly am is my student teaching cooperating teacher, Mrs. F.  Mrs. F was one of the most incredible people I have ever met in my life. She and my mother would be best friends. They have the same outlook on everything. Mrs. F would constantly tell her students how blessed they were- whether someone brought them a treat, gave them new dictionaries, or just for having the chance to go to a a great Philadelphia public school. Her actions showed me, and taught me, that the simplest of things in life are blessings and that just waking up in the morning is a blessing. I keep that in mind every day, especially now.

Being blessed has also helped some of my craziest dreams come true- even some that I never thought existed. I went to my first European soccer game yesterday and while I would have been content to see a simple game that didn’t really count for anything, my friends and I were able to snag some tickets to a UEFA Champions League game- Valencia vs. Chelsea. Now, those of you who know anything about my family know that we are huge soccer fans and always will be. We are such big fans, we probably reside on the wrong continent. To be able to experience a real European game, let alone one of this magnitude between two of the best teams in the world, is mind-blowing to me. I made sure to take lots of pictures and video for my friends and family and have posted some below. I even got to fulfill one of my sister’s dreams and saw Fernando Torres (her favorite) in person. (By the way, it was a GREAT game- Valencia and Chelsea tied 1-1.) 

Furthermore, my roommates and I just booked out flights for a long weekend in Munich, Germany at the end of October. As I’m writing this and thinking about it, I can’t even imagine that it is real and actually happening. Everything is so surreal right now, it’s ridiculous. 

And even more, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY JOB. I love it to the point where I will probably get certified as an ESL teacher in the States upon returning, whenever that may be.

I am making new friends, enjoying the language, work with incredible and pleasant people. Who could ask for more?

Blessed. 

I do feel a bit guilty that these opportunities have been presented to me, but I feel as though I would be disrespecting my friends and family, if I didn’t take full advantage of them, especially my good friend Angel who has been so influential in my life despite only knowing her for a year. Angel recently joined the Sisters of Life convent in the Bronx and, despite the fact that the convent has severely restricted her internet usage (to practically none) and does not allow her to email or use a cell phone and only send three to five letters a month, she was kind enough to purchase some airmail stamps so we can be pen pals. She wanted this for me almost as much as my mother wanted this for me and I know she would want me to take full advantage. I know everyone would. And just thinking about it overwhelms and humbles me- because my parents raised me right.

Who knows? Maybe all these blessings, which even show up through the times of tribulation, are all part of a bigger scheme to help me prove my worth to myself so that I can finally reach a point of being comfortable in my own skin and give to others in return.

And I wish the same for all of you.