"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving." -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love
The quote above is practically the story of my life right now on this eve of my ten month departure from the United States. It's so hard to believe that at 10:10 pm tomorrow, September 2, 2011, the plane will be rolling down the runway at Newark Liberty International Airport and the last glimpses of the United States that I have will be of....Jersey. Hey, I begged my Dad to let me fly out of JFK but he didn't want to drive the few extra hours. Maybe if I play my cards right, I will be on the side of the plane that overlooks Manhattan as it takes off. That'd be reallllllllyyyy fun. But....I digress.....
I know I am embarking on a brand new adventure in Espana and I truly am looking forward to it. The problem is, I just can't fathom it yet. It's kind of one of those things where I won't believe it until I am at Barajas and everyone is rambling in Spanish. It will be so overwhelming but so beautifully fascinating all at the same time.
That being said, I can't fathom life that isn't, well, here.
The other night, my Dad and I were flipping back and forth between How I Met Your Mother and whatever baseball game happened to be on when a commercial for College Football came on the screen. Then came the question: "Are you going to miss football? Especially Temple Football?" And that's when it hit me: Yes, I am. I totally, completely am. Then I became an emotion-filled wreck and later that night started crying to my mom about how I didn't think I could do the Fulbright, how no one would like me, etc. Funny how the simplest of things can set you off.
Yet, that instance got me thinking (a dangerous pastime of mine, I admit): There are a lot of things in America that I am going to miss profusely. Things they don't have in Spain. Things like the German Christmas Village at City Hall in Philadelphia each year, the Charles Dickens Village at the Macy's on Market Street, and most importantly, PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES (of course Starbucks would wait until after I got to Spain to put that item back in stores). Things like New York City, the Emmaus Movie Theatre, cell phone plans that make sense to me, and running through the Parkway. Things like Thanksgiving, Halloween, and visiting my family. Things like Puppy One Eye and L-NUS the Rap Dog. Things like my friends, my family, and my Poppop. And quite frankly, the adjustment into living without these things is going to be really hard.
But as I was sitting there being nostalgic and weepy over everything I would not get to enjoy, I was smacked upside the head by that part of me that needs adventure and has wanted to do what I am about to do for the past God only knows how many years. It was the part of me that remember the constant and unending battles with my practical parents that knew studying abroad at Temple as a double major with a minor wasn't going to help me graduate on time. And I was going to sit there and think of everything that I wouldn't get to enjoy versus reveling in all that I would?!?!?!
Well, yes, actually, I was. And I was going to revel, too.
Adjustment and change are hard and for the first time I am admitting, on this blog nonetheless, that the adventure I am about to undertake is going to be enormously challenging, especially without a Pumpkin Spice Latte to keep me energized. I know it is going to be hard to leave everything and everyone behind, but if I don't do this now when I have my opportunity, I will always look back and wonder, "What if?" I don't want to live my life in regret. That just isn't how I roll. It's a bittersweet conundrum; one that really does make me immediately think that "the only thing more impossible than leaving is staying; the only thing more unthinkable than staying is leaving." However, I have hope. The author of that quote, Elizabeth Gilbert, did this, too. She spent a year in places where she knew no one, had no place to live, and didn't even know the languages (at least I have one up on her there). And, guess what? It worked out for her.
And, quite frankly, I know I can make it work out for me.
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